Losing your virginity is one of the most exciting milestones in a person's life. In 30 seconds of shame and anxiety, life goes from shitty, lonely, and horny to shitty, lonely, and slightly less horny. But for local music lover Bradley, a UW senior studying computer science, mediocre sex took away more than it gave him. “Ever since I got that over the pants handjob and pity fuck from my friend Jessica, Weezer just hasn’t been the same.”
We all have our guilty pleasure music: whether it’s the pop punk band that tried to groom you in middle school, Pitbull, or your weird friend’s experimental noise band, we all have quirks in our taste. For Bradley, though, Weezer really scratched that itch. “It just feels like I’ve lost a big part of myself. Before I got that sweet, sweet emotionally manipulative pity sex I could rage to the Blue album, but now all I hear is a light static.”
Bradley has tried almost everything to regain his long lost love for the sweet, whiny voice of lead singer Rivers Cuomo, but so far nothing has allowed him to once again listen to Pinkerton in his 1992 Toyota Camry. “I’ve tried complaining more, I’ve posted on incel forums, I’ve prayed, but as the days go on the memories fade. I can barely remember what their cover of Africa by Toto sounds like!” That half-minute of sweaty “passion” has permanently erased the band from his brain.
Fortunately for Bradley, life isn’t all bad since turning in his V-card. “I mean, I got some pretty good boning in, she was silent the whole time and I cried after, but I know that’s just because I was just too much to handle.” When asked about Jessica, the longtime friend responsible for the sexual misadventure, Bradley had this to say: “I really thought she was my Ramona Flowers and I was her Scott Pilgrim, but it turns out she’s just a poser. I mean, she only knows, like, two Neutral Milk Hotel songs!” While Bradley is no longer a virgin and unable to hear Weezer’s music, rest assured, he still hates women.