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Smug Student Waiting Until Turkey Ready to Tell Parents About Shift to Veganism

Amanda Garfield took an environmental studies class this semester that inspired her to become what she already knew she was: better than everybody else. In other words, Garfield went vegan.

She rolled her eyes when her friends said they wanted to go to Mooyah, she posted the farmer’s market on her snapchat story at least 30 times, and she even signed up for a rewards card at Trader Joe’s.

Witnesses stated that when Garfield bought her bus ticket to go home for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago, she was beaming. Amanda is reportedly very excited to show her parents that she has grown up to be a way better person than them. And healthier and thinner than them, too.

Reports are indicating that Garfield is waiting to drop the news until the big Thanksgiving meal at Mawmaw’s house, opting to tell her parents she isn’t feeling that hungry Wednesday night.

When Uncle Dave brings out the turkey and offers Amanda the first slice, she has planned a repulsed gagging sound, followed by the statement, “Um, you know I’m vegan right?” Garfield is reportedly hoping that the bustling sound of holiday joy and conversation between family members will halt completely.

Garfield plans on following up such a reaction from her family immediately by saying, “But I don’t even like the label ‘vegan.’ Just call me a good person.”

Mr. and Mrs. Garfield have no knowledge of what is to come. Amanda is well-known in her hometown for allegedly eating 16 hot dogs in one sitting when she was 12, so the lifestyle change is sure to devastate the two. Her proudest accomplishment will have meant nothing in light of Garfield’s newfound veganism.

When asked if she was ready to disappoint her entire family, Garfield said, “I’m doing this for them. Maybe if Pawpaw was vegan he wouldn’t have gotten heart disease and died.”

For now, Garfield has been practicing her gagging noises nonstop in preparation for the upcoming holiday. Sources say they need to sound more pretentious.


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