“I could tell that I forgot something,” explained Claire Hassel on Thursday. Hassel, a freshman Biomedical Engineering and Spanish double major, knew something was wrong when she noticed her grades, and overall wellbeing, improving. “I was at the library studying the other day and I just kept thinking to myself, ‘am I supposed to be doing something unproductive right now?’ It was at that moment that it hit me: I haven’t sobbed since August.” Claire, who was used to dedicating three hours of her day to “completely fucking breaking down,” has booked up her college schedule with other things, like class and socialization. “I guess I could fit a panic attack in between lunch and Chem 109,” Claire said. “Shit, I can’t! I forgot that I have that Tinder date with that guy from the rowing team that sort of looks like Owen Wilson.”
Claire proceeded to flip through her planner, eventually realizing that she could have used the time she spent being interviewed for a panic attack. Brady Cohen, a senior economics major and panic-attack aficionado, also offered his take on the issue.
“It took awhile for me to perfect my craft,” Cohen emphasized. Cohen has managed to fit in a seven hour panic attack every Thursday since the school year started. He has devoted these past four years to honing his panicking skills. “I’m actually having a panic attack as we speak,” he shared. “It is because of my masterful panic attacks, that I felt comfortable enough to list ‘time management’ as one of my marketable skills on LinkedIn.”