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Student Stressed About Upcoming AlcoholEdu Quiz, Turns to the Bottle for Support

It’s been a few weeks since the final deadline of the AlcoholEdu course exam for first-year students, a rigorous series of slideshows and hip narrations designed to warn of the dangers surrounding underage alcohol consumption. Despite the August 27th deadline, its impact will be felt for a long, long time, especially for UW freshman Bill Kallas. Kallas had spent arduous days and nights cramming for the AlcoholEdu quiz and learning of the correct procedures to control a drunken friend. The only problem? It was far too hard. 

Under the stress imposed by the looming AlcoholEdu exam, Bill resorted to a new study method: alcohol. “It got to my head, man. It was ‘what’s the alcohol content in wine’ this and ‘what are misconceptions about campus drinking’ that. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t do it, God.” recounted a slurred Kallas. The Chadbourne freshman expressed that he felt uncertain he would get the 80% on the exam to pass, and didn’t feel that the Quizlet flashcards or the review sessions were helping. Fortunately, what he couldn’t learn in classes, he learned in glasses.

“I come from a long line of drinking. My dad drank until he died, his dad drank until he died, and now look at me. I’m studying.” The freshman now effortlessly finishes a handle of Fireball every day, a drink whose alcohol content he can now calculate with ease. “They literally print the number right there on the bottle. Everything makes sense now.”

Kallas passed the exam with flying colors and blurred vision, adding that he felt that his new alcoholic tendencies made him better prepared for the test. “It’s effectively my major now. It’s so important to get hands-on research done in fields you are passionate about.” He expressed his interest in pursuing further courses in the field, like NicotineEdu and CocaineEdu.


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