Here at the Misnomer, we wanted to take a few minutes to recognize the heroes of winter: those people that are brave enough to be the first to walk in the snow. No matter how deep, how cold, or how wide, these winter warriors are always there to help out the rest of us. Here are each of the trailblazers.
The Gigantic Motherfucker
This dudes feet are huge. And I’m talking large enough for a pool party for Shrek and all his fairytale friends. Everyone hates this guy because you could take three steps in between his one stride, which doesn’t allow any of us normal sized people to cross the snow bank safely. Rating: -4/14
The Baby
This little dude could fit into the pocket of the gigantic motherfucker. It looks like someone’s toy poodle decided to see how long it could walk before sinking into the snow, the steps are that tiny. Also, the distance between these things is smaller than your MCM’s micropenis. However, these steps can be taken two at a time, so they are still useful. RATING -.69/1.
The One Step Wonder
Some weird ass sorcery is used with this guy. He has the ability to leave a single footprint in new snow without leaving any other footprints behind. Did he get picked up by a bird? Does he slide on a Gordon’s tray to class? We will never know. RATING 4/9 for mystery.
The “Nope Not Today”
He finally did what we all wish we could do: walked out the door, decided he couldn’t deal with the world today, and promptly walked back inside. RATING 12/10.3 for courage
The Wobble
Nope, this is not just the dance move you did at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. This describes the footprints that do not make any sense any way you look at them. One is walking left, while the other is pointing south, and there is also a handprint thrown in for good luck. Props to anyone that can walk like this and still feel confident about themself. RATING 3.06/12
The “I am confusion”
Occasionally you will encounter steps that sometimes look like two people walking next to each other, but sometimes overlap. This can be confusing at first, but it is just a three-legged race in the snow. Don’t be alarmed. RATING 3/3
The Robinsons
Honestly G-d bless these people and their plain steps because without them, we would be arriving to class with wet socks and bad attitudes. RATING (data not available because it doesn’t occur often enough)