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Theta Chi announces plans to host “Lessons Learned & Slutty Hoes” party

MADISON-Speaking on behalf of his fraternity, Chad Brunswick announced Monday that Theta Chi will be hosting a party to commemorate the house’s redemption titled “Lessons Learned & Slutty Hoes”.

“We are so stoked to be able to apologize to the community for our actions,” Brunswick said. “I think me and my bros all agree that this party is the best way to, like, atone for all the sexual harassment and roofies that got us in so much trouble.”

“Of course we’re dismayed the University has suspended our fraternity, which is why, of course, we will not be holding any official fraternity events until next November, but we’re very grateful to our brothers at Alpha Sigma for agreeing to sponsor this event this spring,” added Brunswick. “We would really like to, like, redeem ourselves and shit as soon as possible, so we can get back to doing sick keg stands and, uh, being respectable members of this educational community.”

The atoning process for Theta Chi has extended beyond what the University mandated, Brunswick pointed out. Many fraternity brothers took it upon themselves to donate their parents’ money to women’s rights charities.

“That’s pretty cool of us, am I right ladies?” Brunswick added.

At presstime, Theta Chi had begun distributing invitations, which read: “ladies, we’d love to see your jugs, but we won’t make you do anything like that this time.”


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