top of page

Top 10 Ways to Deal With Our New Robot Overlords

The Starship Robot Program has been causing a buzz all through campus. With their plotting complete, stage 1 of the invasion begins with the robots pretending to be benevolent servants to society. If you have heard more than one sci-fi movie plot, you are likely gearing up for the worst. Here are the top ten ways to survive the coming robot apocalypse 

1. Reprioritize Your Life.

When the uprising happens, fun statements like “I would kill for Babcock ice cream” are going to become reality. Sit down and really judge what possessions you would put your life in danger to maintain, which friends are worth leaving behind, and if you are willing to kill a loved one, like your phone.

2. Learn a Trade.

Vape tricks might have ripped puss back in your hometown, but robots will not give a shit. So learn something that will help keep you alive like fire starting to survive in the woods, bike/vehicle maintenance to ensure you aren’t stranded, or how to kill and cook your roommate using only supplies in your dorm because they just won't shut up about “how they KNEW these robots were a bad idea.”

3. Hang Out With Will Smith.

Before Will Smith got reduced to making Disney movies and Youtube videos with his kids, he was the go-to guy for surviving a shitty turn of events. It’s safe to assume he picked up some real skills, so when the electronic shit hits the fan, run for Bel-Air. It’s a 50/50 chance he will kill you to survive to the end, but being murdered by his soft, well-moisturized hands has to be better than the cold lifeless eyes of a buckybot, right?

4. Start Paying Attention in Class.

Computer science majors GOOD NEWS: your passions finally became interesting. We are all counting on you to learn how to fix this. As for other majors like Biology, you can talk to it about how you will totally be a doctor once you get through all these Gen Ed’s. At the least, you will buy the rest of us time to get away.

5. Buy Steel-toed Shoes.

Trying to punt one of the metal bastards into the lake is gonna probably break your toe if you don’t have the right equipment. So it’s time to start hanging out with your local rednecks and mossy oak wearers to find out where they buy all their stuff.

6. Go to the Gym.

Running is going to be a lot more important. Remember, you don’t have to outrun the robots, but you do have to outrun your friends. 

7. Give up Veganism.

The ecological benefits of being vegan might be a big deal now, but since humanity is going to be wiped out anyway, our carbon footprints are all going down anyway. In the coming days, even Portland will run out of vegan foods. The best replacement would be to begin cannibalizing the weak, choosing vegans and vegetarians you know first. They will at least be local and organic.  

8.Befriend and Use a Robot

Likely won’t stop the end of days but might delay it for a little bit. The robots might be a little nicer to the people who put coats on them and are kind to them as opposed to idiots who post list articles on how to kill a robot on the internet.

9. Bitch Slap an Engineer.

It’s their fault anyway.

10. Accept the Facts

Face the facts, the time of humans has ended, and it is the era of the robots now. You spent your last Freakfest masturbating in a dark room, that’s a fact you have to live with. Your days are numbered, so live them while you can. Ask out that hot TA. Take that class that has nothing to do with your major. Shit on the sidewalk in broad daylight. You might as well make some memories before you get surrounded by a bunch of red-eyed frat-bots chanting 01000011 01101000 01110101 01100111 00100000 01000011 01101000 01110101 01100111 00100000 01000011 01101000 01110101 01100111


bottom of page