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Top Ten Cocktails to Help You Survive Spending Time with Loved Ones

1. Bucky’s Special Sauce

Start with 16 ounces of cranberry sauce, then add vodka until the sound of your sister talking about her new boyfriend no longer feels like nails on a chalkboard. Add a pinch of pumpkin spice.

2. Mifflin Twister

Mix a Hamm’s with liquor of choice at a 1:3 ratio then spin around 5 times while chanting “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home,” and serve.

3. Midterm Dreams

Use 2 parts tonic water and add as many shots of gin as points off your worst final. Put a lemon slice on the rim. This is served best in the lecture following your last exam; stare the professor in the eyes while drinking and if at all possible, cry.

4. A White “No Collusion” Russian

Start with plain Vodka (no fruity types allowed) and add heavy cream until painfully white. Add 3 parts coffee liqueur and 4 ice cubes to water it down. Serve to guests then deny knowing how to make the drink. However, if they liked the drink tell them to say how good of a mixer you are. If they did not enjoy the drink, remove them from your home as quickly as possible. It is a great way to get rid of unwanted guests, especially if that guest is yourself.

5. The Family Shame

Steal the flask your grandmother keeps in her bra and drink whatever is in it until you forget what you just did.

6. Turkey Trot

A Thanksgiving Bloody Mary:Add 2 parts vodka to 3 parts base. To make the base blend 3 sweet potatoes, 2 ounces of stuffing, 1 pumpkin pie, ½ roast turkey, and 3 helpings of green bean casserole. Garnish with 2 bread rolls and giblets, then blend for 15 minutes on high.

7. The Uncle jim.

Take discount whiskey and mix with fireball to taste. Take a drink every time your family says something racist. Take 2 drinks if it’s something homophobic. Finish the drink if it’s something bigoted about you.

8. The Salty Pilgrim.

Pour a Naturday into a street puddle and lap it up like a dog. Bonus flavor if you can find road salt to garnish.

9. Black Friday Highball.

Take 4 parts Whiskey (or fireball) and 2 parts Red Bull™. This drink will help keep you awake and on this side of the murder-suicide line for the early morning deals.

10. Crack.

C’mon, we’ve all done it. Don’t be a bitch.


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