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Uh-Oh: Sweaty Bitch Is Back

For many, summer brings a chance to get some much needed sun and show off how much weight you have gained in the past year. But, for the unfortunate residents of the Vilas street neighborhood, warming temperatures herald the arrival of the Guinness Book of World Records’ “least interesting cryptid” Maryellen Zoichmen, also known as “that sweaty bitch.”

In cooler days, Ms. Zoichmen is known as “The Exclusion Queen” at her sorority, ensuring all applicants are of the highest quality and look exactly like her. But once temperatures reach 75 or above, a Jekyll-and-Hyde transformation ensues, resulting in the emergence of her alter ego: that sweaty bitch.

That sweaty bitch, or TSB, was first cited emerging from the depths of low cost student housing in 2016, during that year’s 102 degree heatwave. Long time resident of the neighborhood Marcus Do’Hooley remembers his first encounter.

“You could smell her before you could see her. The flowers wilted as she passed everything turned a sickly shade of green. If I couldn't see the person sweating in front of me, I would have thought I died and was finally sent to hell for all that stuff in the 60’s.”

TSB has since become a neighborhood phenomenon, and social activist symbol. Her sweat stains have kept property values low, staving off big-box developers in the area. A joint statue/compost pile has even been proposed in her honor, but has received pushback from the nearby hospital.

Ms. Zoichman, however, claims her pituitary glands were not sent from God, but rather a simple case of hyperhidrosis, combined with global warming raising summer temps.

“Everybody acts like it’s a big deal,” proclaimed Zoichman. “Like, fuck, sorry I sweat a lot, it’s 86 in the summer and I don’t have AC. No need to call me a bitch about it.”

Currently a GoFundMe to support TSB’s deodorant needs is halfway to its $150,000 goal, with donations expected to increase as temperatures continue to rise.


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