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UHS Employs Starship Robots to Administer Guerrilla COVID Vaccinations

In spite of UW-Madison’s 93% vaccination rate, COVID cases on campus continue to rise, and Becky Blank has seen enough. UHS officials announced on Thursday that they would be pushing forward a new program that they promise will “eliminate the pesky 7%.” Outlined was a plan to arm the adorable army of food delivery robots with COVID vaccines, and a pilot program has already begun. You may have heard about fellow students getting their “Badger Boost,” as complaints have been pouring in about feeling a prick while walking between classes.

The pilot program has already seen some hiccups, as there have been multiple reports of students finding loose Pfizer booster shots in their ham and cheese subs.

When challenged on the ethics and implementation of this new program, a UHS representative told reporters, “We just had a team movie night last Friday. It was my first time seeing iRobot, but I have to say I don’t get the hype. It’s obviously fiction, and we’re not going to fall into that trap.” They later added that they are working on a new feature that would make the robots glow red when they are “malfunctioning”.

Nevertheless, all signs point to the university approving the program and even expanding it to include other vaccinations. So next time you pet the cute little 6-wheeled box crossing Park Street with you, don’t be alarmed if it pokes you with your tetanus booster in return.


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