I was given an anonymous tip (no pun intended) about a mysterious crunching noise
coming from two rows behind someone in their computer science lecture. Of course, my reporter instincts kicked in, and I went to find my next big scoop.
I went to the lecture and there it was: the crunch. Someone, somewhere, was eating! For a moment I thought it was impossible; the professor very clearly stated in the syllabus that food was not allowed in his lectures! How was this clever student able to sneak a single morsel of food past the security of this computer science lecture? Those security guards are thorough, so it couldn’t have been keistered. Then I saw it: the sweatshirt on the lap. Immediately, I realized what this man had done. He was utilizing his foreskin as a Ziploc bag to keep his goldfish secure and hidden. It was genius. They never go stale there and there’s no risk of losing your mid-day snack!
Unfortunately, I could only watch this process and not test it for myself, seeing as my banana was peeled long ago. All you fellas out there, take notes! You’ll never go hungry again. Ladies, don’t worry, this reporter won't rest until an alternative is found for you. Thank you, kind stranger, for helping all men stay nourished during their busy school days.