UW Elects Brown Man As Chancellor After White Woman Doesn’t Want Job Anymore

Following Jennifer Mnookin’s realization that she prefers the ‘Columbian’ flavor of New York City to the dairy-scented frigid air of Wisconsin, the University has announced a bold, forward-thinking, and innovative new strategy for leadership: the Dean of the largest school on campus. 

Stepping into the role is Eric Wilcots, who was reportedly chosen after a rigorous 10-second search of the faculty directory sorted from Z to A. The search committee later confirmed that they stopped at ‘W’ because they were getting a little hungry and Eric Wilcots was the person without ‘Emeritus’ or ‘Under Investigation’ next to their name, and figured it could be a good break for lunch.

“I love the Badgers and being a part of the Wisconsin Idea,” Mnookin said as she was asking ChatGPT “How much Columbia University President salary?”, “But I’ve always wondered what it would be like to work at a place where there's a real reason to silence and jail protesters.”

The Board of Regents expressed relief that they had to do “virtually nothing” to meet their diversity quota after simply promoting the man who was already in charge of L&S. 

“We were devastated to lose a white woman to the Ivy League,” said one of the board members. “But we realized that by replacing her with a Black man, we can finally stop responding to all those DEI emails. It’s a historic moment for this university, we went from a woman who doesn’t want to be here to a man who literally can’t leave because his office is in the same building.”

Analysts indicate that this move will increase the university’s Diversity Index by a whopping 12 points, even if it’s just an interim role, turning UW Madison into the #1 university in the nation, not counting every university with a better education than us. The university’s IT department was also reportedly thrilled, and have set up an auto-reply for all racial grievance issues that simply redirects users to a high-resolution JPEG of Interim Chancellor Wilcots.

While Eric Wilcots brings his background in astrophysics and decades of experience in the education field, the University began to create new “Our Commitment to You” brochures, flyers, and published several updates to alumni about the school’s first black Chancellor. “This is really the Wisconsin Idea in action,” said one administrator. “The idea that we can find a minority leader without even having to leave the building.”

The Board has clarified that while Wilcots’ appointment is historic, he will not be receiving access to the Chancellor’s private bathroom nor the private water fountain, citing “legal” issues. They have also clarified that while the Interim Chancellor is free to use the Chancellor’s office, his access is conditional and may expire the moment an Ivy League alum takes a passing interest in the job.

Interim Chancellor Wilcots held a press conference earlier today, outlining his mission and the changes he wants to make to the university, but most of the questions posed to him were about his “thoughts on the 2026 Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion report” and “whether he will be purchasing a red Tesla.”

Ultimately, Jennifer Mnookin leaves behind a campus decently worse than when she found it, with more expensive housing, less affordable tuition, and more efficient ways to avoid and quell student protests. As Mnookin prepares to take her talents to Columbia, the university continues to actively seek a leader with the unique ability to look concerned for student safety while calling the police at the same time. All in all, the Badger community is satisfied at finally having a Chancellor who knows a bubbler isn’t a type of bong, and the University at large is satisfied at once again being used as a five-year long stepping stone to Ivy League universities.