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UWPD officer dejectedly writes ‘0’ on “days without kidnapping attempt” chalkboard

It was reported Wednesday that University of Wisconsin Police Department (UWPD) Chief Troy Munoz dejectedly wrote a ‘0’ on the station’s “days without kidnapping attempt” whiteboard following the attempt Monday night to take a woman hostage by two armed men near Observatory Drive.

Witnesses saw Munoz sighing heavily upon hearing the news, closing the Youtube video he was watching, and walking to the whiteboard where he wiped off the “729” written on the board that represented the previous amount of days that the force had gone without a kidnapping attempt. The ‘729’ was replaced by ‘0.’

“We were so proud of that,” Munoz said, “We constantly have to erase the alcohol citation and public urination boards, but that one was one of our highest, after attempted murder and reheating leftover fish in the microwave. Mike in accounting made sure we all learned our lesson on that one.”

The news left many members of the force disappointed, as the tally was seen as a source of pride for the department.

“So close, yet so far,” officer Daryl Casey said. “One more day would have made it two years without a kidnapping, and the whole office would have gotten a “Taken” movie night.

UWPD says they plan on publishing a vague, generic statement condoning kidnapping and saying they will do everything they can to fix the problem.However insiders have revealed UWPD intends to staff cop cars in the location of the crime until concern dies down. Officials estimate this will take between five and eight business days.

“Those two dingbats just made our lives a whole lot harder,” officer Ken Herrera said.

“Couldn’t they have just gone a few yards off campus and done it so we wouldn’t have to deal with this? They have no idea how much work it takes to make it look like we’re solving a problem here.”

Secretary Jenny Smith noted that she would have to cease working on her usual responsibilities for the foreseeable future to focus on this conundrum.

“Looks like I’ll have to take a break from shredding important legal documents, helping to cover up misconduct, and fudging sexual assault numbers to make the university look better to focus on this kidnapping thing,” she said. “As long as we don’t have another robbery or a clown with a knife this year I think we’ll be fine.”


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