Can’t Help But Laugh: Your Ex-GF’s New Man Has An Older Model of Your Metal Detector

Bless her heart, but it seems that your quaint but confused young devotchka struck gold the first time she spotted a rugged man like yourself rummaging around through the local dump in search of old Gameboy parts. That’s right, your darling ex-girlfriend from a year and a half ago finally got around to searching for someone to usurp the 2014 McHale County MetalHead Award Winner, but it looks like her search coil knobs were out of date, or maybe her stemlock bolt valve! You want to laugh, but that would be rude. Methinks she didn’t have any more luck tirelessly searching through all the local dumps and scrapyards to happen across another self-made entrepreneur. Methinks she didn’t find her pathetic replacement at a search site at all, but rather at one of her metalless parties! Oh, go ahead, let out a laugh!

Heeheeheheehehe! Ohoehehheheheee! Nyeheoeheheheoehee!

A cursory survey of her new boyfriend’s private instagram would show that he posted a picture of his Alloy-Toy Ultra 1.3 model in June of last year with three of his friends (presumably hobbyglobbers as well). The picture showed him holding the detector to his chest, with the caption “think I found a stud,” COMPLETELY unbeknownst to him that a machine of that quality would be MASSIVELY underutilized to be relegated to a glorified stud-finder. Hell, maybe if you wanted to find studs three to four floors below your apartment it would be more appropriate! Although I suppose it is the 1.3 model we are talking about. Heehoeheheoehee! I digress.

Nevermind his chiseled physique and whitened smile. Nevermind his stable job and spotless mental health diagnosis. Any girl who has seen the luster and shine of a true piece of ore should know dirt when she detects it. In the end, this world is full of all the rocks and gravel you could ever find, but it’s the 1973 Collectors Edition Shoshone Indian coins of this world that you found at Yosemite that really send a signal. And if dirt doesn’t smell like Monster energy drinks, grunge punk music, family issues, and sweat, so be it, because the coin unapologetically does, and it goes for $3.70 on eBay. Priceless.