Zoology Professor Says Female Animals can be Identified by Long, Fluttery Eyelashes and Hair Bow


In his Tuesday lecture, Professor Daryl Shiffon of UW-Madison’s Zoology department taught his Animal Biology students a helpful trick for sexing any animal they come across: all female animals can be identified by their long, fluttery eyelashes and hair bow.


“Some in the field may tell you determining sex is all about looking at the animal’s coloring, size, or external genetalia,” Dr. Shiffon said to his students. “I’m here to tell you that that’s complete baloney. All female animals will look exactly like their male counterparts, but with a perfectly tied bow atop their head and lashes that are blasted, CoverGirl style.”


Dr. Shiffon went on to explain some of the nuances of the technique for his furiously scribbling students.


“The bow is often pink, but it can come in any color, really. Keep an eye out for the movement of the lashes: they will be flirtatiously fluttering in the direction of any nearby male,” Dr. Shiffon said. “Another secondary trait you can look out for is an hourglass figure and a sultry, hip-swinging gait.”


Shiffon’s other contributions to the field of Zoology include studies on naturally-occurring white gloves, the role of the olfactory system on species’ ability to levitate towards a freshly baked pie, and the effect of ACME products on wildlife populations.