America has been through some shit recently. A lot of people are still living in the uncomfortable silence that follows the realization that your dad just tried to overthrow our government. Sure it’s something you’ve been thinking about doing since March, but then he did it for the wrong reasons and now it’s awkward. No one deserves to spend their quarantine in that kind of situation, so here are some foolproof tips for dealing with the fact your dad is a modern day Judas to our democracy.
1. Have a good heart-to-heart talk.
Give your dad a taste of his own medicine. Tell him you aren’t mad that he tried to overthrow our democracy because he can’t say the N-word. Say you are just disappointed. Granted, traitors aren’t known for their consistency in thoughts so it might not work, but it will establish you as the alpha dog which will come in handy when the next Taco Tuesday rolls around.
2. Deny it ever happened.
I know, I know, you want him to get what he deserves. I get it, I agree. But the deed is done. They were too incompetent to do anything. And having a dad in Guantanamo Bay really fucks with your credit score. So it’s best to just keep quiet about it and pretend it never happened. You know, like that time your mom walked in on you watching porn.
3. Console him that Biden is a segregationist too.
Reminding him that Biden is basically just Trump without the personality cult won’t do much in the way of making him a better person, but it might help make Sunday dinners a bit more bearable. Sometimes you have to take the battles you can win, instead of the battles you want to win.
4. Beat him up.
Just slap the motherfucker, violence is clearly the only language he understands. And let’s be real, it’s not like he doesn’t deserve it.
5. Call Grandma.
No one has more authority over your dad than the 90 lb sack of pure sexual energy you call Grandma. Sure you had your struggles with her over the summer during the BLM protests, but if theres one kinda person granny doesn’t fuck with it’s rule breakers, and guess who just broke the biggest rule of them all. So buckle up Dad, Granny’s paddle brings pain and repressed childhood trauma.
6. Bargain with him.
Tell him he can have a little insurrection on the weekend with the guys, but only if he promises to stop talking about how much he wants to suck Trump's feet all the time. It’s really starting to affect your Zoom discussions.
7. Get plastered.
Alcohol is the one passion you and your dad have in common. Use it to connect to him, learn his fears, and try to help him understand how fascism isn't going to solve his problems. If that doesn’t work, get him so drunk the hangover brings him within an inch of his life and hope God does it for you.
8. Appeal to his better instincts.
If logic, reasoning, and patriotism can’t get through to your dad, try paternal instincts. It’s a long shot all things considered, but seeing their child curled up on the bathroom floor cradling a roll of toilet paper and begging an unloving god to free them from living with a father that could do something like that is sometimes what it takes to reach what little goodness is left in people like him.
9. Commit a treason of your own.
If there’s one thing parents don’t like, it's unruly children. So go out and riot against Biden. Reverse psychology will have your dad on his knees for Biden by noon, and you will have had a chance to blow off some steam.
Your dad is a treasonous bastard. There’s nothing you can do to change that. Even if he sees the errors in his ways he still tried to kill our representatives become some washed up reality tv star told him too. Accept this fact. Find peace in this acceptance. And get really into smoking weed.