During one of the craziest days of the year for UW Students, Mifflin Street Block Party, it is easy to get distracted and forget simple party etiquette. Well, listen up kids, because I’m about to drop some serious moral truths on you. Mifflin street, and every other street in Madison (except for maybe the ones with educational buildings), is no place for backpacks. Before you strap on your bag o’ goodies, take a second to stop and think about how your actions affect other people. If I have to go to one more party where I get smacked in the face every thirty seconds by Jake from Sig Pi’s Supreme backpack, I’m going to rip not only his knapsack, but also his ball sack right off of him. My face is not your personal punching bag, sir, only my dad gets to smack me around like that.
Myself and plenty of other young women are attending Mifflin this year in the hopes of meeting drunk guys and having a wild night. A woman who attended last year’s Mifflin event spoke to me about her traumatic encounter with a backpack, saying, “One second hot Dave from my floor was flirting with me, when all of a sudden, a guy with a backpack slammed into me and I spilled my drink on Dave’s shirt. Next thing I know, he’s hooking up with slutty Rebecca instead of me! Fucking backpacks, man.”
Backpacks: ruining our chances of drunk hookups since the beginning of time.
Aside from the terrible reality of fucking backpacks being shoved in your face 24/7, there’s also the fact that backpacks are the ultimate safety hazard at a public event like Mifflin. If I see you with sunglasses on and a backpack, I’m going to automatically assume you’re about to commit an act of terrorism. I mean, Mifflin would be the perfect target. What could be in that backpack? I know it’s not books because not one student in the whole university is studying for finals this weekend. So how am I supposed to know when you reach into your bag if you’re pulling out Becky’s bottle of UV Blue or a motherfucking glock? What else could be in that bag? A lamp? Mountains of cocaine? Mary Poppins didn’t die for this shit, people!
When Lori Berquam said, “That event encourages really smart people to do really stupid things,” she was obviously talking about the stupid decision to bring a backpack.
I strongly encourage you all to consider my pleas this year. We can all still have a fun-filled day of binge drinking, even backpack-free. Camp Randall started the no backpack trend this year, and I say we continue to follow in the path of our lord and savior Bucky Badger. Leave your book bags at home, people. Otherwise, I will personally stop you and force you to sit down and study for finals on the sidewalk of Mifflin. It’s your choice. Make the right one.