Ever since taking office in 2021, Joe Biden has done nothing but make the country worse for me. Remember the gas prices?!?! Joe’s reign of terror is ongoing and has now affected me on a deep personal level. I’m sorry to say this, boys, but I have failed No Nut November. I was going strong. Luckily, I have no girlfriend, by choice of course. The dating scene is another thing Joe has ruined, but that’s a conversation for another time.
Like I said, I was going strong. Halloween night while all my peers were off getting drunk and plotting to destroy the country in eight days, I was off polishing the rifle, and jacking off. I had to reduce temptations as much as I could to prepare for the upcoming month. I logged onto the great new Twitter and went through my following list and muted all the attractive women I followed. I made a list to remember who to unmute come December. I was hoping Elon would make a NNN feature we could toggle to automatically hide any pictures posted by females or, better yet, just ban any pictures of women in the month of November. Elon’s a bro, so he gets the struggle of NNN, but alas he was too busy with the important task of trolling the libs. Unfortunately, I noticed a lot of porn bots following me everyday. I didn’t want the temptation, so I came to the tough decision to just delete Twitter for the month, sacrificing all my drafts that would have been all bangers. I also changed the settings on my router to block URLs from every popular pornsite, so even if I was tempted, I couldn’t get to it.
After that I was feeling prepared for November. The first few days went by without a hitch. However, with all my new free time every night, I started to get bored. After choking the chicken each night, I’d normally scroll through Twitter until I fell asleep. However, that was no longer an option. I had to find a new social media to scroll endlessly through. Facebook is full of libs that suppress the truth, so I couldn’t support them, or by extension, Instagram. I got banned from Truth Social for saying I would have voted for Romney in 2012 instead of a third party. This left me one option: Tiktok. I downloaded the app and started scrolling through it (I knew it was a slight betrayal to Mr. Trump, but it was for a good cause. If I was bored, what if I was just on my phone and a CNN article came up and I read it and became a deadbrained libshit?). It soon became a part of my nightly ritual. However, something disturbing happened: my FYP came full of women posting thirst traps. I couldn’t believe the vulgarity I was witnessing. I continued watching for studious purposes, but this only made issues worse and the FYP became entirely thirst traps. This pushed me to my limits, but I had no other options for entertainment.
One fateful night, my FYP got the best of me. This creator that had been popping up left and right announced a sale on her OnlyFans. I couldn’t help myself. I broke out my credit card and signed up. A few minutes later the deed was done (would have normally been longer, but it’s been a while since I spanked the monkey. Trust me, I can last really long if I wanted to. In fact, my ex used to brag to her friends about how I’d last over three minutes in bed and they giggled so I know they were jealous of her and wished their boyfriends were as good as me. Ok?). After a couple minutes, the realization kicked in that I had failed my fellow boys and lost No Nut November.
But really, this is all Biden’s fault! If he didn’t steal the election, Trump would still be president. Trump would never have been banned from Twitter, so when Elon bought it, he wouldn’t have had to waste time managing the crazy liberals who would rather cry and whine about a genius like Musk owning their favorite platform. Musk would have had more time to be a bro and implement the features I mentioned above. I would haven’t had to delete Twitter, which means I wouldn’t have had to download Tiktok.
Trump’s brilliant plan to ban Tiktok was cut short by the stolen election. If Trump were still president, I wouldn’t have been able to go on Tiktok, accidentally watch some thirst traps and end up subscribing to a girl’s OnlyFans. To make matters worse, it turns out the creator I subbed to is actually donating half her earnings in November to pernicious Planned Parenthood. Which got me thinking, are Joe Biden and the other democrats using Tiktok to get young, vulnerable men like me to illegally fund Planned Parenthood? I wouldn’t put it past the DNC to stoop to such levels. I just know if handsome, big, strong Trump was still president, this never would have happened!