MEMORIAL UNION: Monday’s talk by conservative commentator and major library owner (What the Misnomer has found “own the libs” to mean) Ben Shapiro brought crowds of over a thousand supporters to Shannon Hall. Shapiro, known for intellectually stimulating debates with people half his age, has long had an audience of primarily men. His appearance was hosted by the mostly male Young Americans for Freedom (YAF).
However, in a shock to organizers, Monday’s talk saw dozens upon dozens of women come. “I just love him so much,” said Ashleighy Claira, seen jumping repeatedly to contain her excitement as Shapiro walked on stage. “Oh my god, oh my god, he’s coming! He’s coming! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh my god!” At this point Claira’s words became too inappropriate for our publication. It appeared that Shapiro’s talk made Claira, along with her friends, very happy to come.
Many of the women came with their boyfriends, most of whom were also fans of Shapiro. Bradley Madden, a member of the Chi Upsilon Mu fraternity, had arrived early to save a seat for his girlfriend. “We’re both so excited to see him. We’re huge fans. I wish we could have come together, but she had a lab, so I had to come first. She’ll be coming in a few minutes though,” Madden explained, while pulling his jacket down and jostling his pants to cover his waist. We asked him if his girlfriend would pull out, but he assured us, “don’t worry, even if I can’t, I’m sure Ben Shapiro will get her to come. She’d bend over backwards to be here.”
Shapiro covered numerous topics in his talk, from supporting a ban on cross-dressing to affirming a stance against abortion, all while his podium said “Free To Choose” on the front. Highlights from his talk included “I host events all around the world, but sadly my wife can never come,” and “the right to bear arms is sacrosanct! Water guns are the best way for me to get people wet!”
During the Q/A session, at least nine audience members had to be removed for moaning too loudly. “I love you fans, but keep it in your pants,” Shapiro urged. The janitorial staff was swamped with lost bras and had to check out a large number of biohazard kits.
At press time, we received reports that the YAF’s afterparty had devolved into an orgy and they were considering changing what the F stood for in YAF.
Writer’s note: this is the single raunchiest piece I have ever written in my life. I wouldn’t say most of this out loud.