Pirate Ship Appears on Lake Mendota

Madison, WI – on Thursday afternoon, the Madison community was enjoying the last few rays of sunshine on the Memorial Terrace when a peculiar sight crested the horizon. Jack M, a senior Cartography and Geographic Information Systems major, was the first to notice the sight.

“Holy fuck is that a pirate ship?!” Jack exclaimed, alerting his fellow citizens to the shape slowly encroaching towards the shore. Students and community members alike began to take out their phones to record the pirate ship as it began to dock on Memorial Union's newly constructed pier, which was created and dedicated to all the lost phones during the 2023 collapse. Pirates emerged from their ship, the Ravenger, muskets and cutlasses ready as their captain, Captain Longshlong, released the command to pillage. The pirates of the Ravenger held up to their namesake, as they began to steal from and murder the patrons of the terrace, hoisting their Jolly Rodger in place of the unions. We interviewed one captive, Clarence Hopper, a junior History major with an Integrated Liberal Studies certificate, about his thoughts on the invasion.

“See, this is why Union South is better, it's protected from naval invasions. This is why I never come here. Also, Union South has better food options, like who the hell even goes to Carte? Also, how are we to be sure these are pirates and not privateers?” Hopper went on to explain the historical difference between pirates and privateers, as he was subsequently gagged and thrown into the lake by Longshlongs' 2nd mate, Boznonga Huga. 

Since Thursday, the Ravengers have secured their hold on Memorial Union, eagerly planning to target the frat houses next, for “booty and booze!” as Longshlong shouted Friday morning to rally his forces. Students have also been protesting the inaction of the University, with some students gathering their own forces at Library Mall, moving cannons from Camp Randall as their first line of defense.

Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin released a campus-wide email this morning, before flying off in her private jet, regarding the invasion and actions of students, some of which we have chosen to quote for our readership who never check their emails. 

“As these naval forces continue to roll out, some of them create deep concern for and potential conflict with our long-held values. We are living in precarious and uncertain times and recognize the toll that this takes.”

Mnookin also shared her thoughts on those protesting the actions of the murderous pirates.

“While protest is an important element of free expression, I ask all of us, as members of the UW-Madison community, to exercise our precious rights to free speech with careful attention to the ways that words and actions can divide us and be intimidating. My heart goes out to all affected by the Pirates' murderous pillaging and by the radical rhetoric of the protestors. On Wisconsin.” 

We interviewed one of the radical protestors, Lily Williams, a sophomore Pre-Med student who has been treating the wounds of the fallen.

“What? You want an interview? We are currently under fire from the Pirates' cannons and are losing ground by the minute. Our Hoofer cavalry has not stood a chance, and now UWPD also has us surrounded because we are not supposed to occupy Library Mall. Well, tell that to the god damn pirates!” Lily was then slashed in the neck by a cutlass by a pirate singing a sea shanty about the joys of the high seas and cutting down the landwalkers. 

Some UW-Madison students have also decided to join the pirates; many of the music majors are excited to find gigs playing for the pirates as they continue their onslaught, while the football team has decided to defect to captain Longshlong, claiming he is a far better coach than Luke Fickell.

The Madison Misnomer will continue to monitor the situation as it unfolds and wishes our readership safety in these trying times.