Living on a dying planet can be an exhausting endeavour, and for younger people especially, making eco-friendly changes is a small way of helping out. In spite of the fact that 100 corporations are responsible for 71% of carbon emissions, going vegetarian or bringing your own bags to the grocery store can definitely make you feel like you’re making a difference. However, one local man has been trying to bring environmentalism into the bedroom by ditching those wasteful, single-use condoms in favor of a low waste alternative: fucking raw.
Sage, a junior horticulture student, has always been a bit of an eco-warrior. “Yeah… I switched to hemp for all my clothing years ago and I spend most of my summers off the grid in a yurt, so you could say I’ve got a bit of hippy in me”, but recently he came to a shocking realization about his carbon footprint. “I just got done fucking my girlfriend and realized how much waste I was creating each time I put on a condom! And we bang, like… a lot. So that’s a ton of plastic waste that we could cut down on.”
Sage’s girlfriend, Willow, was hesitant of this venture. “I was on board for the yurt, and I put up with the compost bin in our living room, but I wasn’t sure about risking a pregnancy to save that tiny bit of latex.” After a few pregnancy scares, Willow wasn’t ready to jump into this plan headfirst. It would take lots of convincing to get her to give up protection. “I know he doesn’t have any STDs, I was his first girlfriend on account of his decision to only shower once a week to save water, but getting pregnant would not be a good move for us right now.”
To defend his plan, Sage turned to his “exquisite pull out game” saying that, “years of tantric yoga practice have aligned my chakras to the point that I can see in my third eye the exact moment when I need to pull out, plus since I’ve been on a raw, vegan diet I’m nutrient deficient enough to basically be infertile.” However, Willow remains unconvinced that unprotected sex can be an environmentalist statement.
As this couple continues to debate their commitment to a zero-waste lifestyle, Sage dreams of a day when the only thing between him and Willow during sex is a generous amount of organic CBD lube.