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Bascom, Evererst, and my cold erect nipples: why you should make the hike this winter

Mountain climbing is not for the faint-hearted, especially as the months get colder, and the hills feel steeper and steeper. Several people flock to the slopes, such as Everest, Bascom, even bunny hills. But there’s a new hill to climb… my cold, erect, nipples.

I don’t know why it happens, but when the weather gets nippy, my nips get even nippier, hard enough to cut glass like butter and visible enough to push their way through my Canada Goose parka. And ever since I moved to a colder areola than the east coast, the problem has gotten significantly worse.

What I am about to say probably will come as no surprise, but I need someone to warm them up. I’ve tried hand warmers in the bra, warm milk to my jugs, and even gentle massages from my clammy hands. And yeah, they gave me a much needed touch, but didn’t doo much for my coldness. Honestly, what I really need is for someone to lick my titties. Just really warm them up.

And my dear reader, I think you are just the person for the job. Unless you know me in any capacity, then please click off this advertisement and forget I said anything. It isn’t difficult, but it is hard (but not as hard as my nips). And it requires a lot of dedication. You must be a top-notch tonguer, a frequent flosser, a bountiful brusher, and a methodical mouthwasher. I am allergic to aspartame, so you must be willing to refrain from chewing sugarless gum up to twelve hours before our session, lest you want to jab me with your spare EpiPen.

I think this opportunity will be mutually beneficial. For me, I am spared of cold nips… and for you, well you get credit for making the hike that few dare to make. You get to feel good about yourself for remembering to defrost the breasts after forgetting time and time again.

So consider making this winter a little bit less cold and lonely, and make the hike!


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