WASHINGTON, DC - With the 2024 election coming up this November, voting has never been more crucial. And despite the many benefits that exercising this civic duty provides, it has become clear that some voters will need a little bit more of an incentive to hit the polls. In response to this fiasco, the Biden administration has unveiled a new plan: a nationwide, government-subsidized pizza party, but only if 95% of the eligible voting population actually votes.
“The urgency of this election cannot be overstated,” White House representative Lia Bell emphasized in a press release. “However, we are optimistic that this new initiative will increase voter turnout substantially. I mean… It's free pizza! It’s the one thing everyone can agree on.”
However, some voters aren’t so convinced. Eric Roll, a long time resident of Madison, expressed his concerns: “Sure, pizza sounds great on paper, but we, as voters, have to ask what type of pizza is being served? A good meat lover's slice, you know I’m all in. But give me a veggie pizza, and I’m gonna be back on the news (complaining strongly).”
Receptive to this criticism, White House representatives decided to create a “pizza topping” ballot, a smaller election which will take place on November 1st. They promised that if enough people voted for their pizza topping of choice, they would be rewarded with a government-subsidized ice cream social. However, at this time, the Biden administration has declined to comment on the selection of ice cream flavors.
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