BREAKING: UW to Begin Deporting “Illegal Auditors”

MADISON, WI– Chancellor Jennifer L. Mnookin announced Wednesday evening that the University of Wisconsin-Madison would begin deporting unauthorized auditors as early as next week. “The time has come,” Mnookin declared, “to purge these illegal auditors from our lecture halls. They steal credits from hardworking, everyday Badgers. They’re eating the cheese curds, it’s a horrible thing.”

Though Mnookin’s claims are currently unsubstantiated, BUCKY (Badger Untouchable Cop-Knowing Youths) agents are actively preparing for ‘Unauthorized Classmate’ raids on lecture halls according to Misnomer’s Bascom correspondent. The program is currently scheduled to begin next Tuesday. Faculty members have advised auditors, both authorized and unauthorized, to avoid attending classes next week after raids begin. If auditors do opt to attend class, they are strongly advised to bring proof of registration. 

“WUD will continue to maintain sanctuary unions,” one professor said immediately after the announcement, expressing surprise at the university’s timeline and speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of retribution. Both Memorial Union and Union South have reaffirmed their commitment to protecting unauthorized auditors from BUCKY raids following the announcement. 

This is a developing story.