Cane's Is Ass, and I Like Eating Ass

Updated: Sep 15, 2021


I ditched fast food to live a healthier lifestyle, but I still eat a decent amount of food that is literally ass, my girlfriend's particularly. Recently though, I decided to give Raising Canes a try, since it would be something similar to my usual treat, but oh boy was I disappointed. I don't mind savoring sloppy and disgusting dishes catered to my taste; however, Raising Cane's left a poopy flavor in my mouth. Especially after spending the night at Melissa's, my pallet was thrown off by many intrusive sensations, but I couldn't tell whether it was the soggy tenders or a marathon of Friends on the couch.


The fries were horrendously underdone, uncrisp, and sagged like Kim Kardashian’s buttjob which makes sense for the amount of plastic in both. I don't usually mind a bit of fecal matter in my mouth, but today I could tell that whoever dumped my order into the fryer wanted to ruin my experience of eating ass once and for all. Even celebrities can get behind my mantra, Chris Evans specifically, but holy cow is ass not worth $8.99 and a never-ending line of uncontrollably screaming drunk sorority girls.


The bottom line: Raising Cane's isn't worth the experience. Take it from an expert, you’ll have a way better night if you take your girl to Qdoba, and instead of stuffing your face with recycled chicken thigh meat, you can stuff your face with hers when you get home.