Jeremy Padwick, a freshman at UW-Madison, is facing a terrible conundrum. He can’t decide if he wants to pay for Tinder Gold, Pornhub Premium, or his textbooks for this semester.
“I’m lost. I’m truly lost,” Padwick claims. “I have so many options! Do I finally give in and see those three people who have liked me on Tinder? Or do I get access to those sweet, juicy videos on Pornhub?” After reminding him about his textbooks, he assures us that it is an equivalent option. “Oh yeah. Uh, I guess I could also get textbooks.”
College students are notorious for being poor, and Padwick is no different. After asking his friends for advice, his struggle continues. One friend, Darius Speedman, tries to weigh the pros and cons.
“You see, Tinder Gold is a scam. Nobody likes you, Jeremy. But Pornhub Premium is also a scam. You should live that NoFap life like I do. And then obviously textbooks are a scam as well, they’re always overpriced like crazy and you can pirate them anyways. So what I’m trying to say is you should invest in Gamestop.”
After talking to his financial advisor, he found himself one step closer to his decision. “I just got off the phone with my mom and she said that I should go for Pornhub Premium. Tinder Gold is $30 a month, so financially not a great choice. My textbooks in total are $300 for the semester, so also not worth it. But Pornhub Premium is only $10 a month- that’s a great price, and I’m sure I’ll get plenty of masturbatory value out of it. So if my penis were to thank anyone, it would be my mom- I mean financial advisor.”
While Pornhub Premium leads, Jeremy has yet to pull the trigger. The temptation of Tinder Gold and perhaps, but not likely, his textbooks, continue to weigh him down. Hopefully Jeremy can grow some balls and this dilemma will soon end.