Every February students across the nation are breached with a hopeful proposition. They too can find the warm light of human companionship, if they put their trust in the cold and unfeeling code written by, the equally if not more unloveable, computer science majors. While many scoff at the idea that men with body pillows could help them increase their body count, the numbers do not lie. The Datamatch team has produced about 100 long-term relationships, and only needed 1 million members across 30 different universities to do so. Results like that have raised the possibility that virgins are the love doctors we all need.
In order to test these claims, graduate students at the UW-Madison department of sociology assembled a list of plausible reasons virgins are the expert matchmakers we need.
1. No one thinks about sex as much as virgins.
It’s said it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill. If anyone has spent 10,000 hours dreaming about how to cultivate the perfect relationship, it's men who are afraid to talk to women. While their conclusions may be sexist and their lab notes sticky, the sheer volume of data virgins bring to the table is incomparable to any other wing-man.
2. They have no ulterior motives.
Any friend trying to set you up also has to think about their own relationship wants and needs. They may sabotage your chances in hopes that they could get with your soulmate instead. Incels like those at Datamatch are not subject to this issue, having long since given up the hope of another human’s touch. They can pair you with your match, then shuffle away grumbling about “Chads” while you enjoy your date.
3. They are ever present, and always watching.
Having built a tradition of living their romantic lives vicariously since Animes hit American shelves in the ‘60s, virgins are using the age of social media and big data to become ever present echoes of the human condition. You might not know your crush's favorite flavor of toothpaste, but they do. This metadata helps them prescribe relationships and make connections that would take real humans years. Is this a huge violation of human rights? Certainly. But it’s too late to get those back, so you might as well get a few good dates out of it anyway.
Empathize with them or fear them, there's no arguing that the virgins behind online dating have become the most successful matchmakers of all time. So this Valentine’s day, let them guide you to a treasure they can never possess themselves.