As election season comes to a slow, agonizing halt, political pundits are scouring our nation’s polls, trying tirelessly to convince people that they have real jobs. Through this, they deliver us a curious look into the swing states that will decide this exciting election.
1. Denial
Interviewing these lovable voters offers a fun look into how you felt for that one year when you were younger and knowing political things made you feel cool. Oh? What’s that? You say that Trump is actually a god-given agent sent to dispel the world’s pedophiles? Ahhh. Ah yes, I see. Oh and you? From the other side? You say that Biden just naturally has a speech impediment? Hmmm. Quite.
2. Anger
Members of this state are only identifiable through tweets. If you disagree with them, they will hate you, and if you agree with them, they will still kinda hate you. We couldn’t poll the members of this state because they definitely hate us. However you vote will conveniently be the exact opposite of how they vote.
3. Bargaining
Many will remember Hillary Clinton’s infamous blunder of not campaigning in this state last election. This state is defined by its waxy glamorizations of the past, refusing to grip the sobering reality of the present. The sad sacks of shit in this state say silly, meaningless names like ‘Ronald Reagan,’ ‘Bernie Sanders,’ or ‘our Founding Fathers.’
4. Depression
Hey, welcome back! We’ve missed you back in Depression. You weren’t born here, but you were granted citizenship here a long time ago. You’re going to vote Biden and then you’re going to hate Biden and then you’re going to vote for an even older and dumber Biden again next election*.
*if there is another election
5. Acceptance
These guys are actually just voting for Kanye and they’ve had their minds made up for a while. They place importance on things like environmental issues, national healthcare, and the offshoring of jobs. When asked if they think their candidate will resolve these things, they respond with a resounding ‘no.’