Do Women Periodically Transform into Werewolves Every Month During the Full Moon?

After the recent incident at the Chernobyl radiation exclusion zone, discussions about women’s “time of the month” have flooded the internet once more. Manosphere influencers like Andrew Tate are once again pushing the debunked conspiracy theory that women menstruate once a month, despite scientists across the globe showing that women transform into seven foot tall werewolves once a month. Once transformed into a werewolf, women commonly experience supernatural effects such as bloating, mood swings, and bleeding orifices.

To better understand this phenomena, we reached out to the werewolf expert Dr. Pate at UW-Madison’s Primate Research Lab, who was generous enough to invite our reporter to see the transformation of his latest ethically sourced test subject. Stepping into the testing room with Dr. Pate, our reporter observed a female researcher working calmly at her desk. Suddenly, the woman began roaring with primal rage, shouting utter nonsense like “I want ice cream” and “I am in pain” at the top of her lungs. “Ope! Looks like it’s her time of the month!” Dr. Pate exclaimed. “You came at just the right time!” The woman began to convulse and shudder. Skin rippled and flowed, and muscles began to shudder and bulge outward.

“Look at all that disgusting leg hair,” Dr. Pate remarked, shaking his head as fur burst from beneath clothes and skin. ”Does she know no shame?” She threw her head back and howled at the moon, loud enough to shake asbestos dust loose from the ceiling. Dr. Pate grumbled about “having to clean up after her drama.”

As the werewolf continued to howl at the moon that “the cramps are getting worse,” Dr. Pate cautioned against displaying basic human empathy for the clearly melodramatic creature. “She’s just screaming to get attention. It’s not actually that bad. Besides, only weak and effeminate cucks display empathy when others are in pain,” the doctor advised. “It’s just her time of the month, and she’s being slightly more emotional than normal.” The woman was being very emotional, rolling around and screaming as her lips peeled apart and her jaw extended into a long, furry snout. The subject was certainly making a big deal out of her skeleton and musculature bulging and expanding into grossly inhuman proportions.

“This is why we shouldn’t allow women in the military,” Dr. Pate said. “She just doesn’t have the upper-body strength required.” The woman’s ribcage was heaving up and down, ropes of muscle straining as she screamed and sobbed. “Plus, women are so emotional and unused to pain.” The woman screamed again as her ribcage inflated like a balloon and her pectoral muscles bulged and stretched.

Our reporter asked if there was any way to make the ear-splitting screaming go away. “From my vast experience, I can tell you that informing the werewolf to ‘just calm down’ is both effective and emotionally mature,” Dr. Pate replied. “In fact, I tell my wife to just calm down all the time. Especially when we’re at the divorce lawyer’s office.” Due to the lawsuits against the Primate Research Lab alleging inhumane treatment, the lab is no longer using silver bullets on test subjects that “just won’t shut up.” Instead, the lab is now legally required to use silver tampons before resorting to electroshock therapy.

“I now understand why your wife and girlfriend hate you,” one woman interviewed for this story responded to our emailed list of questions. “Dismissing period pain is utterly shameful, especially for such a manchild like you. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain basic biology to you.” Dr. Pate agreed that this emotional response from the clearly melodramatic activist probably indicated it was her time of the month.