Madison Freshman Tearfully Signs Lease With Tunnel Bob

MADISON, WI - After several months of searching, dozens of potential roommates turned away, and a final, desperate plea to the Housing Gods, Madison freshman James Welnick, dejectedly and with tears welling in his eyes, signed a twelve-month lease Tuesday with Tunnel Bob, a local legend of the campus. The signing, which took place in a poorly lit corner of Memorial Union, lasted over six hours, as Bob insisted on checking the unit’s proximity to the nearest manhole cover, as well as scouring the lease for any mention of, as he called it, “overnight guests.” Bob also repeatedly insisted during the tour that the apartment’s lack of natural light and decrepit odor were “major selling points.” After the signing, Welnick was found softly weeping as he realized that his new roommate’s security deposit consisted of a few loose pipe fittings and a map of the campus steam tunnels hand-drawn on a Popeyes’ napkin. 

This arrangement comes after a grueling housing season that saw James rejected by his top choice when his three best friends toured a house on Mifflin without him and decided to replace him with a guy they just met with an emu. He was also rejected by four other groups, six different girls (which isn’t really relevant, we just wanted to point that out), and the Animal & Dairy Sciences Department, which refused to let him sleep in the livestock shelter. “At a certain point, you have to prioritize utility and proximity to campus over hygiene and will to live.” Welnick said, staring blankly at the lease that required residents to “maintain the baseline odor of the apartment or risk relinquishing the entirety of their security deposit”. James’ parents, who initially encouraged him to find a roommate with “character”, were completely silent following a Zoom call where Bob appeared halfway through, covered in soot with a pickaxe in hand, wearing only a headlamp and overalls.

The University Office of Housing has reportedly refused to intervene in the matter, citing a clause in the student handbook that defines “adequate housing” as any structure with a roof and a street address. When we reached out to Chancellor Mnookin for comment, she replied: “A true strength of the Wisconsin Idea lies in our unwavering commitment to complexity — whether in a bold, cross-disciplinary research project or in unique housing opportunities that not only challenge but aid our students in navigating conflict in their daily lives.” When we asked her to clarify if she would actually do something for once, we were escorted out as she returned to packing for her big move to New York. 

The members of James’ social circle have already begun to distance themselves from him as his August move-in date approaches, with his freshman year roommate and supposed best friend, Nathan Harris, noting that he wasn’t willing to risk his security deposit on a roommate who wants to drill a human-sized bore hole in the floor for the sake of “connecting it up to the tunnels.” Harris further stated: “James keeps saying Bob is a nice guy once you get past all the evil parts and get to know him, but I don’t want to spend my sophomore year waking up once every 15 minutes because of Bob’s nightly screaming.” 

With several months left to contemplate his choices, James has already begun to receive onboarding letters from Bob regarding their fall living arrangements, written exclusively in brown “ink?” Bob’s letters have focused on the structural integrity of the vents and whether they are human-accessible, as well as the potential costs of drilling a hole down into the steam tunnels, with Bob asking Welnick if he’ll cover his half of the excavation, just for now. James, still clutching the signed lease in his trembling hands, has reportedly spent the last week staring at the 400-square-foot floor plan and trying to figure out where he can actually keep his stuff, with Bob’s ambitious plans still in motion. “At least he said he’ll try and be quiet every once in a while,” Welnick said, “and he promised that if I keep the humidity at 95 percent, he’ll show me the way to the Chemistry Building so I don’t have to walk in the cold.”

The City of Madison’s Housing Authority has issued a formal statement clarifying that while Bob is “not a suitable roommate nor a safe person to be around”, the Langdon Street basement does meet the city’s minimum standards for a dwelling. Welnick was last seen weeping softly in the Witte lounge, staring at an Amazon cart full of several dozen candles as he contemplated how many he would need to mask the scent of eighty years of dust and grime. Though his future remains uncertain, Welnick has started telling his parents he is “part of a daring new urban living initiative”, a lie he hopes to maintain till move-in day, or at least until the first time someone falls into the giant pit down to the steam tunnels.