A local frat boy was reportedly overjoyed to learn President Donald Trump finally appointed a Supreme Court Justice who doesn’t believe in condoms either.
“I was so excited,” Bryce Lakehouse said. “I mean you have no idea what this means to me. It’s so refreshing to FINALLY see a person in power who works for white trust fund babies like me. Representation matters.”
Lakehouse expressed his excitement after learning the highest court in America will at long last have a fearless warrior battling to liberate him from the latex prisons he is made to wear by intoxicated freshman girls willing to have pity sex with him.
Lakehouse promptly set fire to the lone box of Trojan Magnum condoms in his room—which he “promised” he could “totally” fill out—before joining every brother at the house for a sacrificial bonfire as they all did the same.
“I was so sick of being told to wear protection,” Lakehouse added, “Now I won’t have to listen when girls want me to wear a condom because they ‘don’t want to get pregnant,’ or because I ‘have syphilis,’ and it’s all thanks to Amy Coney Barret.”
Reporters then asked Lakehouse to share his thoughts on Justice Coney Barret’s clear commitment to overturn Roe v. Wade, which would outlaw abortion.
“Wait?!” he said with a look of pure terror “WHAT??!!!”