MADISON, WI - The day was going perfectly for Tristan Hibbing, a freshman political science major from Naperville, Illinois. He got a 95 on his Econ midterm, his morning Com Arts lecture had been canceled, and he even found a $20 bill lying on the sidewalk. However, everything changed when he went to get lunch at Four Lakes Market. Hibbing was overjoyed to see that Que Rico was serving pizza; the day couldn’t get any better! He was right. In fact, the day was about to take a sudden turn for the worse. When he got to his table, Hibbing was shocked to discover that the bottom of his pizza was burnt.
Feeling a need to draw attention to this heinous offense, he jumped atop his table and delivered a speech that would be remembered for the rest of the day: “Attention students! Take a look at this. Is this the kind of pizza you want to eat? Are you happy that your tuition dollars are going toward producing this crime against humanity? George Bush doesn’t care about black pizza! The fascist administration oppressors are content to let us students suffer and eat burnt food while they eat the fruits of our labor! We must band together and fight this tyrannical system! Who’s with me?” It was at this point Hibbing took a step forward, lost his balance, and tumbled off the table, leading to a chorus of laughter across the room.
Reactions to his speech varied across the dining hall. Ethan Clarkson, Hibbing’s “friend” was sitting right next to him when the incident occurred and was mortified. “I usually get lunch with him just so we can study a bit, but I don’t think I’m ever going to associate with him again. Honestly, the pizza wasn’t even really burnt. Sure, it had a little bit of char on the bottom, but that’s just what makes the crust crispy. Although Tristan is the kind of guy who thinks mayo is spicy, so it kind of makes sense”.
Several students recorded the incident, which was posted on various UW-Madison Instagram pages by the end of the day. While some students admired him for having the courage to stand up and speak his mind even if it seemed like he was overreacting, other students labeled him as “The Cafeteria Crashout” or “Pizza Princess”. Some even questioned if he was under the influence of any substances, calling his behavior a bit extreme for something as minor as slightly charred pizza.
Despite the criticism, Hibbing doubled down on his stance. He attempted to hold a press conference outside Four Lakes later that day, which entailed him standing on a chair with a megaphone. “We must not let these injustices stand! It is time to show the university now that we will not roll over and let our tuition dollars go to waste!”. He boldly proclaimed this to any student who would listen, though most just walked by and ignored him. Some threw paper balls at him. Hibbing’s movement does not appear to be gaining much traction in the meantime, as there have been zero additional reported incidents of burnt pizza on campus.
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