Tunnel Bob Found Breaking Cooling Pipes in Attempt to Heat Campus to Tunnel Levels

MADISON, WI - The Department Chancellor for Finance and Administration recently released a statement stating that the University has experienced a broken chilled water line, which will leave the entire campus with reduced cooling abilities for what is projected to be at least a month, almost completely coincidentally during one of the largest heat waves to ever affect the city of Madison. In response the University has decided to close down buildings that no one important uses or cares about, such as the Red Gym. Bascom Hall is also set to close, as Mnookin’s throne of frozen student tears has been permanently relocated to Columbia University.

Despite these insignificant closures, buildings such as College Library and Union South will continue to operate with reduced cooling abilities, ensuring that all SOAR attendees still have the opportunity to collect pamphlets and other SOAR trinkets to throw away the next day. Bucky will also still be present to greet new students with an ambulance on standby to whisk him away for heat stroke treatment, with at least three other Buckys waiting to step in as replacements if needed. 

As temperatures this week reach the highest point yet this summer, the thought  on everyone’s minds is not how much  the underpaid service staff are suffering, nor the bright eyed freshmen that are being boiled at this very minute, but which little rascal could have caused this broken pipe? Through the Misnomer’s vast array of connections, we were able to speak to James Welnick, who we last spoke to after he had signed a lease to live underground with campus legend Tunnel Bob. Welnick reports that it was none other than his infamous roommate who broke the chilled water line.

“Things were getting cramped already,” stated Welnick, “Despite my promise to stick to my strip of tunnel, it seems Bob has gotten fed up with his reduced ability to wander where no human eyes can perceive him. I woke one night to the sound of his pickaxe against metal followed by the first burst of cool air I have felt in weeks.”

Tunnel Bob’s plan worked better than expected for him, as twenty three campus buildings have been locked to the public until further notice. So for all of us stuck working and studying on campus this summer, just remember that while your chance of heat exhaustion is at an all time high, Tunnel Bob is out there somewhere, exploring his greatly expanded dominion.