Gordon’s Just Stopped Serving Mozzarella Sticks—Here’s Why That’s Bad News for Joe Biden


It’s hard for any American to picture a day where free choice is nothing but a figment of the imagination — a fantastical and unrealistic idea, almost like J.K. Rowling novel. But on the ground at Gordon’s Dining Hall, it’s just that.


They recently banned mozzarella sticks from their serving stations, a pivotal step towards an official UW endorsement of the liberal academic indoctrination growing nationwide. It’s a move that not only reflects a failing supply chain but also raises the question: Should Biden be impeached?


For freshman student Garett Feather, removing mozzarella sticks is the nail in the coffin for a series of oppressive UW administrative choices.


“First I wasn’t allowed to chug my Tito’s in the Sellery lobby and now I can’t even cap off my bar crawls with a plate full of warm mozzarella sticks?” Feather said. “What am I supposed to eat? Carrots?”


Feather, a prospective UW business school student with 500+ connections on LinkedIn, knows a thing or two about the economics behind this menu change. For him, it has less to do with Becky Blank or Tommy Thompson idiocy and more with Biden’s presidency plaguing classic supply and demand trends.


“He just ushered in this hush hush communism that I really think is to blame for my losing my drunken mozzarella sticks,” Feather said.


When asked where he gets his information from, Feather showed no doubt in his sources. His father, a Fortune 500 CEO at a banking firm, offers unbiased opinions on everything from poverty to diversity and inclusion.


But in Biden’s world of $4 gas and $7 coffees, student outrage over mozzarella stick cuts could signal weakness to the Republican U.S. House and Senate candidates set to take control in 2022. Will the Great Mozzarella Stick Cancellation of 2021 lead to Biden’s impeachment? Only time will tell, but it certainly stacks up against petty crimes like inciting an insurrection.


The Biden Administration had no comment on the developing situation.


At press time, Feather was seen berating employees at the UHS health clinic over their “communist” choice to replace the free Trojan condom supply with glow-in-the-dark Durex ones.