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History Majors Attempt to Sacrifice Bucky Badger to Resurrect JFK


MADISON, WI - Bucky Badger escaped a harrowing situation Saturday night after a group of extremist history majors attempted to sacrifice him in an effort to resurrect the assassinated 35th president, John F. Kennedy. Bucky escaped with only minor injuries, but those close to him have noticed some lingering emotional trauma from the event.


The incident occurred shortly after 8:30 PM last Saturday. Bucky, speaking through a student translator fluent in Badger, said he was walking down University Avenue after attending a talk at the Business School when a group of students approached him. “They asked me if I wanted to come to help them shoot a promotional video for the History Department. I initially thought it seemed a bit sketchy since they were all wearing black and most of their faces were covered, but they showed me some details that made it look more legitimate”. 


Bucky then went on to explain how he was drugged and taken to an unknown location. “They said we needed to go to Mosse, so we started heading that way, but right before we got there, they dragged me into a dark corner and pressed some kind of cloth against my snout. That was the last thing I remember before blacking out. It wasn’t even like a drunk blackout either - way less fun”.


When he came to, Bucky says he was in a dark room illuminated only by candles. “They were all wearing dark robes and had hoods covering their faces. I was tied to a chair in the middle of a bunch of weird symbols and pictures of JFK, and they were slowly moving in a circle around me and chanting”. Luckily, Bucky took three semesters of Latin here at UW-Madison and was able to translate. “Once I realized they were chanting in Latin, I started to pay attention and figure out what they were saying. It was something like, ‘Take this lamb and use its blood to furnish the return of the chosen one’. I mean, come on! A lamb? I’m a badger! The two aren’t even related!”


Fortunately for Bucky, no blood was spilled as a maintenance worker happened to come by at that very moment to fix a leaky ceiling tile. “He opened the door, and light from the hallway bled into the room. Then they all hissed like a bunch of vampires and all ran out”. The police were called to the scene, which was revealed to be inside Mosse (although we don’t know what room since no one knows where anything is inside Mosse). Despite the large number of perpetrators and intricate ritual setup, no physical evidence was left behind, and police are still searching for suspects.


History professor Bill Chambers was also called to the scene, and he examined it to try and pinpoint the motive for the crime. “The patterns highly resemble a ritual performed in ancient Egyptian times where the blood of an animal, usually a lamb, was used to try and resurrect a deceased pharaoh. I’m guessing these students couldn’t find a lamb, so they settled on a badger as the next best alternative. I’m not quite sure where JFK comes into play, though. My theory is that some conspiracy was cooked up shortly after his death associating it with these Egyptian rituals. They must’ve gotten their hands on it and decided to give it a shot”. UW police are considering this an active investigation.

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