“If She’s Not Giving Kirk, We’re Not Linking” Local Frat Boy Speaks on Hooking Up in Tell-All Interview

MADISON, WI - At the Misnomer, we’re committed to bringing you the real stories on campus, the ones students care about but the mainstream media refuses to cover. We get our boots dirty, scouring the gritty underbelly of Madison, crawling through the steam tunnels, seeking out the sources that those in power desperately want to stay hidden. So when we heard about the chance to interview the legendary Kyle Thompson of the Beta Omicron Beta fraternity, who ascended to fame after recently being shot in the ear on Langdon, we couldn’t resist. And when we heard that other, inferior publications on campus were too busy writing about trivial topics like “federal funding freezes” and “gerrymandering”, we knew we would be the first to get this exclusive interview. Here is the raw, unedited transcript of our interview.

Misnomer: And then you can just come in here and sit down over there.

Thompson: Wait, I thought this was the free Zyns for a year giveaway?

Yeah, it is, don’t worry. We just have to ask you a few questions first. Why do they call you “The Hammer”?

So, yeah, my boys at BOB actually came up with that name for me. You know, Chad, Brandon, Ryan, Chris, the other Brian, all of them. But honestly, it’s lowkey just because these girls can’t keep their hands off me, bro. Like we hosted a mixer the other night, bro, and I shit you not, I step into the function, and instantly five of these girls are all up on me. Two of them were lowkey chopped, but I told the other ones the same thing: “If you wanna get with Special K baby, you gotta be willing to go big or go home”.

And what is your strategy when dealing with so many girls being attracted to you?

It’s like I always tell my boys, “If she’s not giving Kirk, we’re not linking”. Like, bro, I’m being a gracious host and all that, inviting you to my crib, so you’ve gotta kinda pay it back, feel me? On god, she doesn’t even have to sleep over, just throw some and dip, that’s chill. Plus, that way I can lowkey link up with a few more, you feel me, bro? Aye, but RIP to my dawg Big C though. It’s lowkey corny as hell, but I couldn’t do this without him.

Who is “Big C”? Could you talk a little more about your relationship with him?

Bro. Big C. Kirko Chainz. He’s my guy. Watching YouTube clips of him owning triggered liberals as a kid, lowkey gave me the confidence to stand up for what I believe in and be the, like, positive role model I am today. I’ve got a huge poster of him hanging over my bed, and every time I hook up with some rando, I look up at it and pretend I’m with him. Shit was tragic when he died. I was actually like sad for a couple of minutes, bro. He was a huge inspiration to me, bro, like his death was lowkey top 5 worst moments in American history.

What about when Jimmy Carter died earlier this year?

Who?

OK, moving on from that. You seem pretty emotional. Would you like to take a break?

I’m actually dying for a smoke break, bro. You want to bum one?

Yeah, that actually sounds good. (We resumed the interview after a 5-minute intermission, where Thompson went on a series of tangents that he “seriously doesn’t want to be quoted on” that I could not print out of respect for our readers’ dignity)

So it sounds like college is pretty exciting for you. What are your plans after graduation?

Well, believe it or not, bro, I’m actually like hella studious. In between ripping Ferda chants and getting sendy with my boys, I hit the books. Hard. Like, I even managed to get an AB in FINANCE 50, bro. And that class is no joke, bro. If you colored outside the lines once on the final, you automatically lost 10 points. But because of how studious I am, bro, I’m probably gonna stay for another year or two. You know, hit the books, haze the pledges, hook up with some more freshmen, hopefully. After that, I’ll probably go work for my Dad’s firm on Wall Street. Some people got so pressed when I told them I was working for him, bro. Like they kept using some big word like “nemoism” or something, but I’ve never even seen Finding Dory, bro. My dad got me the interview; that was it. I did the rest, bro. I was a member of the Business Club in high school, my resume speaks for itself. Hey, so when do I get those free Zyns?

Let me go check on that. I’ll be back in a second.

Bet, OK bro. Wait, why are you taking all your stuff with you, bro? Hold up, why are you running, bro? Yo, get back here. I missed a chapter meeting for this, bro!

As you can see, folks, we are the pinnacle of journalistic integrity on campus. Our interview with Thompson was very insightful; it’s always a privilege to chat with such a renowned figure. Listening to him made me realize some important truths about our university: frat bros truly are the lifeblood of our campus and are the main reason it stays running day in and day out. In fact, starting tomorrow, I will be advocating that our tuition dollars stop being spent on silly things like “affordable housing” and “high-tech research labs” and instead be donated to the frats so that they can continue to host fire darties. Stay Ferda, everyone.