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Local Man Desperately Tries to Find Costume With Existing Wardrobe



With Halloweekend right around the corner, Junior Matt Handel is reportedly ‘trying his averagest’ amount to find a costume to wear to his many ‘Spooktaculars’ he has lined up on Friday. Unfortunately, Matt is having a pretty tough time making a costume from all the Vans merchandise and basketball shorts he already owns.


“I mean why would I spend $4 on a costume item when I probably have something super edgy and clever somewhere in the bottom of my closet?” Handel said. “I’ve got plenty of flannels, so I could just be a lumberjack that looks remarkably like me on a normal day. Hell, I’ve even got a black jacket, so I could be a greaser too!”


Although initially reluctant to comment, Handel’s girlfriend Patricia Marks issued a statement about the issue on Friday.


“I told Matt that we had to do a couple’s costume,” Marks said. “but once Pete and Ariana decided to be assholes and break up, we had to scratch that idea. Then when I wanted to take him to Ragstock to pick a costume he just kept saying he was sure he already had one.”


Sources say that Handel is unsure of the quality of his costume and, and he is reportedly afraid of his girlfriends ‘looming rage’ if the costume is not up to snuff.


“Maybe I can steal some of my roommate’s clothes and be him? Shit, that’s lame, but it might be all I have.”

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