MADISON, WI - In a bold and innovative move to foster community relations, the Madison Police Department in collaboration with UWPD will be rolling out its new fake ID buyback program, where students can trade in their fake IDs for cold, hard cash. This initiative aims to combat underage drinking in Madison after September 14th, when Madison saw its highest-ever rate for freshman blackouts, a day on which the Badgers suffered an embarrassing defeat to the University of Alabama. The police department is hoping this endeavor will help students ‘come clean’ and curb excessive drinking as well as helping Madison police obtain their largest stockpile of fake IDs yet.
As students line up around the block to cash in on their fake IDs, experts (first-year finance students) predict a surge in ‘creative entrepreneurship’ on campus, with hundreds of students hoping to cash in on this campaign before it ends. Rumor has it that aspiring coding majors are helping to generate the next generation of fake IDs for the police department’s buyback operation in an attempt to generate tens of dollars. Business students, also keen on joining in on this lucrative plan, have so far been unsuccessful, only being able to create paper-mache IDs, an effort that has proven to be dangerous, with five students already severely injuring themselves with scissors.
Gone are the days of ‘Just Say No’ and ‘This Is Your Brain on Drugs’, the new mantra for campus policing is ‘This is cash for your ID!’. In what can only be described as a masterclass in public relations, the police department is attempting to transform their image, proving that every alcoholic student on campus is only a cash reward away from turning into a model citizen. Chancellor Mnookin, excited to collaborate with the Madison Police Department in this enterprise, turned in her fake ID, which claimed she was 22 years old and from Hawaii.
Students have reacted to the new policy with a mixture of enthusiasm and skepticism. “I mean, it’s a great way to make some cash,” said one freshman, clutching her fake ID like it was a ticket to Coldplay at Camp Randall. “But why are the police paying me to stop drinking? Isn’t that like, the opposite of what they’re supposed to do?”
Some skeptics wonder if the buyback program is really just a clever ruse to foster community relations under the guise of a financial incentive. One skeptic said, “It’s a scam! They’re going to take your ID and not pay you anything!” The student was later revealed as not owning a fake ID after having it taken away by a Sconnie’s bouncer after it was discovered to have been made of cardboard.
According to a recent survey, 71% of students will be participating in the fake ID buyback program, 14% say they would not be participating, and 28% are still weighing their options – which may or may not include a final bar crawl starting at the nearest bar before the buyback deadline. However, this effort could end up having the opposite effect than the police department would be hoping for. With cash in hand, students may be less likely to turn to the safer alternative of drinking at home, and may even begin to create their own fake IDs as a way to “game” the system, as it were.
As students flock to turn in their IDs, it seems to have raised the bar for novel law enforcement strategies, suggesting that all it takes to convince a Madison student is a cash reward. One can only imagine what other creative buyback programs the Madison police department might come up with next: cash for empty beer cans, which could trigger a campus-wide hunt akin to Easter or even some sort of trade-in plan for questionable life choices, which students have no shortage of. Whatever the next project may be, you can guarantee the Madison Misnomer will be here to help you stay engaged, prepared, and informed.
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