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Man Emerges from Time Machine, Yells ‘Penis,’ Hurriedly Heads Back

Students in Madison were startled to not only see a large, sleek, carbon-fiber box manifest itself on State Street, but also to witness a teen dressed in country club attire burst out and yell ‘penis’ before hurriedly warping back to wherever he came from. This phenomenon confounded local police so strongly that they assembled an internal philosophical task force to determine what it might have represented and how to punish it with a ticket the next time it happens.

“So I’s been thinking, eh, what with the duality of life and whatnot, that there’s gotta be protagonism and antagonism represented equally in all human life, huh,” said task force leader Antonio Aristotinelli. “On one hand, humanity, us cocksuckas, will persist long enough to invent the time machine, upending centuries of compliance with the, uh- the fuckin’, what’s it called- the space-time continuum.”

“Nah, listen Tony, you know I love you like a brother, but you’ve gotta consider the converse consequences of this revelation, vato,” interjected coworker Paulie Pythagoratelli. “I mean with all due respect to you and yours, this means we live in the era that is considered by future societies to be the ideal time to prank and yell ‘penis’ in, capeesh? Now we can’t be having that, can we? Can’t have some paisan manifesting into our plane of existence to yelp about his cock an’ balls, ah?”

Vincent “Thin Vinny” Voltairello quickly interjected with a snide comment. “Now, now, what these two cabrones can’t see, is that this little thing of ours speaks to the inherent benevolence of the human condition, you see,”  he hollered. “The human sense of camaraderie, unflinching to the sands of time, appreciates the sight of a fella yellin’ ‘penis,’ regardless of the sociopolitical atmosphere in which he presides or derives from. What you’ve got is an innate desire to witness a cosmically endearing moment, you jackasses, you.”

A shorter, fatter Sammy Socratecarlo offered a low, brooding ultimatum. “It was a beautiful and revelatory moment for this whole crew of goddamn goombahs,” he says to a reception of hearty laughs from around the table. “We asked the chief for a bigger gun so we can shoot it if it happens again.”


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