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Man Orders Bananas With Overnight Shipping, Package Arrives With Tree and Monkey Still Attached


A start up company under the name of “Amazon” recently upped its customer service game by offering free, overnight shipping. Unfortunately, customers have begun to find some errors in their deliveries.


A man reports, “I mean, all I ordered was a bundle of bananas at 11:59 p.m., and I woke up the next morning to hooting sounds at my doorstep. Bezos forgot to detach the monkey family from their only diminishing food source, so I had to do it myself. I mean, other than a few missing fingers from the monkey bites and a trip to the pound, the bananas were still pretty decent. Perfect ripeness. I’ll definitely be ordering from Amazon again!”


Amazon’s astonishingly fast delivery has not only affected its customers, but also delivery drivers and mail carriers. One delivery driver with strangely sexy under eye bags and a request to remain anonymous commented, “I haven’t slept in weeks. I get order and delivery requests every minute of the day. I have a timer strapped to my chest, and if I don’t get the package across the continental US in under one night, Bezos will personally revoke my bathroom privileges, which he never gave me in the first place. I’m too terrified to see what he means by that…that bald man rules my life…”


In other news, this reporter is off to order a dildo with overnight shipping, in the hopes that something a little extra might be attached.


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