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Misnomer Follows in The Onion’s Footsteps: Sells Out

Well, it has finally come down to this.

The Madison Misnomer, known for its wholesome coverage of every local, national, and global event worth covering, has finally found its true purpose: to be bought up by a multinational mass media conglomerate. The Madison Misnomer will now follow in the footsteps of local embarrassment The Onion, which left Madison after decrying that it hated all of Wisconsin, its people, its cuisine, its values, its physical newspapers and anyone who went to school there. 

The sale of the Madison Misnomer began after the Editor-in-Chief (not to be confused with the Madison Misnomer’s Eater-of-Cheese) popped out of the office for a quick lunch. In her absence, a roving band of venture capitalists snuck into the Misnomer’s office (our office is the big building on the top of that big hill on campus, the one with the pillars and the banners and the statue of a guy without the funny hat sitting in a chair out front) and after they were able to solve the riddles three, broke into the poorly organized financial records. By the time that she came back into the office, the Editor-in-Chief found that the Misnomer’s stock price had risen by over 30,000%, which came as quite the shock seeing as how before she went out to lunch the Misnomer had never been a publicly traded company, or for that matter, a company. 

A signed proposal sat on the Editor-in-Chief’s desk already signed and dated by the Misnomer’s Budget Director, now CFO, who mistakenly believed he was signing a get well soon card for the Graphic Designer’s cat. The document detailed the hostile takeover of the organization which the Editor-in-Chief found, upon closer inspection, outlined a golden parachute that included $20 million in stock options and a choice of one European super car in either red or black. Upon discovering this, she resigned immediately, later going on to buy a Canadian Province that afternoon.

Unfortunately for the rest of the staff at the Madison Misnomer, everyone immediately sold all of their stocks as soon as the Misnomer went public, prior to the 30,000% increase, due largely to at least two semester’s worth of knowledge of the Misnomer’s inner workings. At 5 cents per share, the Misomer’s staff pooled their resources to buy enough Coke to pour into their rum and Cokes: about one can’s worth split between them. Of course, staff at the Misnomer would be needing the drink after watching their worthless shares become retirement funds and their retirement funds remain empty.

In the following days, the Misnomer has already been sold to all of the major media companies, switching hands between NBC Universal Comcast, the Fox Corporation, Warner Bros. Discovery, Paramount Global, and the Walt Disney Corporation. In its most recent changing of hands, the Madison Misnomer now rests under the banner of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp (a business name that remains strikingly close to Rupert Murdoch’s wife’s nickname for him, the News Corpse.) The Madison Misnomer, now just branded ‘Nomer, will solely deal with spreading misinformation and misleading headlines, a far cry from the organization’s roots, and a journalistic tragedy not seen since the times of Walter Cronkite consecutively muttering ‘fuck’ six times on live TV.

Now, we the staff here at the shambling, decaying corpse of the Madison Mis have only one thing left to say:

So long suckers!


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