Miss Nomer Caught Sneaking into Freshmen Dorms During Move-In Week

MADISON, WI - In what will undoubtedly go down as one of the biggest scandals of the year, Miss Nomer was apprehended outside Sellery Residence Hall by UWPD last week during Freshmen Move-In after several reports of suspicious behavior outside Sellery, Witte, Dejope, and several other residence halls.

Nomer, a 37-year-old, self-described “Super-Duper Senior” who first arrived in Madison as an 18-year-old freshman in 2007 and has not left since, was reported to UWPD by several concerned parents after approaching freshmen moving in and asking them if they “were interested in cougars” or “wanted the REAL Wisconsin Welcome”. While some freshmen immediately took her up on the offer and disappeared into their rooms to test out their new twin mattresses, some narcs actually reported her to their House Fellow, leading to the eventual apprehension.

Carson Redmond, a new resident of Ogg Residence Hall, was one of the freshmen approached by Nomer. Fortunately for Redmond, his mother Jennifer overheard the exchange and immediately rushed to find the proper authorities. “I just couldn’t let something like that happen to my baby boy. I was very nervous about sending him away to such a big city with so much crime, so this is a bad sign of things to come if something like this happens on his first day on campus. Things like this never happened in our neighborhood with me as the Homeowner’s Association President. Rest assured, I will immediately be posting this to the Ogg Parents Facebook Group so that the other parents are on full alert.”

Once fully moved in and free of his mother, Redmond also commented on the encounter, saying, “It was really no big deal - I kind of just assumed it was some kind of practical joke thing that happens to a lot of freshmen. My mom probably overreacted, which happens a lot. I’m kind of glad I can be free of her helicopter parenting and do whatever I want, although she’s probably got some kind of secret camera in the room.” When asked about why his clothes were wrinkled, his face was flushed, and there were some red and white jester-themed undergarments visible from the doorway, Redmond quickly shut the door, mumbling that he “needed to buy some textbooks.” 

UWPD is currently investigating the events, and while plenty of concerned parents were willing to provide statements, there were few students who actually encountered Nomer willing to talk to the police and provide any kind of evidence. Police are seeking to not only understand the extent of Nomer’s interactions with students, but also how she was able to get into so many residence halls. Entry is normally restricted to residents via their Wiscard, so Nomer’s dubious “part-time undecided student” status likely would not qualify. Police are cross-referencing entry logs with a string of recent Wiscard thefts at Memorial Union in an effort to find a connection.

Move-in week often contains plenty of emotions for parents, students, and university employees: anxiety, stress, joy, homesickness, curiosity, excitement, just to name a few. And while everyone has their own crazy stories, this one is certainly a difficult one to top. In the meantime, if anyone has any info on Miss Nomer’s current whereabouts, please let me know. I’d love to catch up with her and do some more research on her personal character. For future articles, of course.