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Morticians Petition to Change Dates on Headstones to Garfield Comics

The loss of a loved one often creates many untold hardships that a family has to endure. Estate matters, funeral preparations, and of course the grief of loss are all something that each family must take in turn, and most agree that it is not as fun as Saturday night bowling. Yet one matter that is rarely taken into consideration is the problem that arises when selecting a headstone, an extra burden that many grieving families are unprepared to deal with.

According to research done by the Biden administration, approximately 89% of families don’t know their loved ones’ birthdays or the day of their passing. This makes designing a headstone incredibly difficult without obtaining the birth and death certificates of the deceased. For hundreds of years, families have complained to morticians that gravestone options are too boring. Many believe that visiting a grave should be a memorable and emotional experience, but with the population's dwindling attention spans, most find visiting a loved one’s grave to be a chore. Last week, the Collective Union of Morticians (CUM) announced a solution to the problem.

Jim Davis’s first ever Garfield comic was published on June 19th, 1976 and has been printed daily ever since, with a staggering 97.8% of the world’s population reading Garfield every day. It should come as no surprise then that the CUM’s solution to solving the headstone crisis is to replace all dates on gravestones with the Garfield comic published on said date.

Chancellor of the CUM, Boe N. Herr elaborated in a press conference this Monday that “people want to have a good time at the graveyard. Most people don’t really care about dates, numbers suck, people don’t want to be reminded of deadlines and algebra when they visit their loved ones, but people care about Garfield. Our hope is that by replacing all existing and future gravestones with Garfield comics, people will pay more attention to their loved ones.”

It isn’t just that Garfield will help raise the moods of the bereaved, the issue of remembering dates would also be alleviated. Psychologists at Harvard University explained to the Misnomer that generally people tend to have a better knowledge of Garfield comics than actual dates. This is likely due to the brain being better at encoding memories of pictures than dates. Hence, it would be easier for a person to design a headstone with the Garfield comics in mind.

With the Garfield comic reaching 43rd years old, many people have lived their entire lives within the Garfield timeline. However, much of human history predates Garfield. When asked the question about dates pre-dating Garfield, Herr had this to say “it’s a simple solution really, we just have to add BG, before Garfield, after every headstone’s date.”


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