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Nikki Haley Changes Name to None of These Candidates


Following a resounding defeat during Tuesday’s Nevada GOP Primary, Presidential Candidate Nikki Haley announced that she has changed her name to “None of These Candidates.”


“The American People have spoken, and it’s become clear to me that the problem is not my appeal or my platform, but my name. Therefore, I have decided to change my name to one that apparently wooed 64 percent of Nevada GOP voters: None of These Candidates. First name: None, middle name: Of These, last name: candidates,” Haley (now Candidates) announced on Truth Social.


We asked campaign manager Betsy Ankney why that name seemed to resonate with voters so much. Says Ankney, “None, it sounds just like ‘nun.’ This appeals to the Evangelical voter base. ‘Of these’ sounds like O’Theese, which sounds pretty white, I guess. And ‘Candidates,’ well that one makes it clear that Haley is a real contender and not some phenomenon that comes and goes every 76 years. For these reasons and more, Haley – sorry, Candidates – believed that changing her name to that was the best way forward.”


Candidates has since refused to comment on transgender rights following her own recent name change. 


The name change has polarized some of her supporters. South Carolina florist Nanya bin Ness supported Candidate’s decision wholeheartedly, saying, “Hal – Candidates is showing incredible bravery in the face of growing hostility within the GOP. It’s clear that the establishment rejects people with weird names, but Candidates represents my interests, and I’m sure she’ll fight for the rights of people like me!”


However, not all voters were very happy with the change. Oklahoma taxi driver Dave David expressed disgust at Candidates’ name change. “First the libtards convince us that girls are boys, and now they think that we can just name ourselves whatever? What happened to good old proper American Christian names?”


Candidates and the other candidates (this is already getting confusing) still have a long road ahead to beat Donald Trump in this year’s election. However, the name change strategy is already gaining traction as Mike Pence has reportedly mulled changing his name to “Write In.”


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