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Op-Ed: All These Lesbians Keep Hitting on my Straight Girlfriend

Okay gang, I have to get something off my chest. I wanna know. Why the FUCK all these girls keep hitting on my girlfriend? 

Is it because she’s pretty?

Is it because I look like that rat from ratatouille but I don’t know how to fucking cook?

Is it because she lovingly strokes their shoulders and talks about killing me for the insurance pay out?

Like what the fuck? I know my girlfriend refers to me as “that guy she knows but she's totally single” when other girls are around, but when we are alone I’M HER LITTLE MAN, GOT IT?

I know you want to shoot your shot, but she said I was “the least disgusting member of her chem discussion when her grandma started asking when she would get a boyfriend.”

That means she picked me, HA! 

Suck on that.

So ladies, let’s cut a deal, I won’t ask about what happens on the “extended girls night” where I can’t come back to my apartment for 24 hours, and you will stop asking her if she's eating alone while we are at our anniversary dinner. Does that sound fair?


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