top of page

Op-Ed: I Had The Craziest Dream Last Night

On September 24th, my life was forever changed when the Philadelphia Flyers debuted Gritty, their new mascot. The NHL team’s new figurehead has not wandered away from my mind since. Gritty is unlike any other man I’ve ever met, mostly because he’s an non human entity, a ginger blob that does not have feelings or even male anatomical features. Still, I dream of running my fingers through his scraggly, almost-pubic orange beard.

Gritty has so much going for him. You can tell he listens to you because of the extreme amounts of intense eye contact he makes. Why would you want to date someone with eyelids, anyway? Gritty would never take his eyes off of you. He’s also got a rocking dad bod, which is ideal for cuddling, and great child bearing hips (I’m hoping Gritty can give birth because I would love to mother a few horrific mixed-species babies).

Have you seen Gritty’s beautiful smile? It lights up every room he skates into. He has no teeth, not a-one, so you know, we could probably save money on dental insurance. What’s more attractive than saving money?

I’ll tell you what’s more attractive. The full team of bodyguards that surrounds my man at every Flyers game. Gritty is a man of power. Now that’s sexy.

I haven’t felt this way since my sexual awakening at 12 when I saw Animal play the drums in the Muppet Movie. Animal will always hold a special place in my heart, and other places too. My therapist thinks I may have a type, but if “my type” is hairy sex-gods, then I think I’m doing just fine.

I feel like I know Gritty on a spiritual level, but I still have one burning question on my mind: Does the carpet match the drapes? Updates to come.


bottom of page