Op-Ed: I’m a Sidewalk Driver and I’m Not Sorry


Sometimes, I just need to get to wherever the hell I’m going. I think everyone can understand that. Well, except for all these fucking students that jaywalk all over the place all the fucking time. These people are deadass pissing me off man! Like I’m just trying to drive down Park street when a metric fuckton of people just mill around in the crosswalk for 20 minutes. I’ve had enough.


My solution to this problem is a simple matter of justice. If pedestrians can occupy the domain of the cars, I should be able to occupy the domain of the pedestrian. That’s right motherfuckers! I’m a sidewalk driver and I have ZERO regrets.


Many people have come to me with concerns such as that’s illegal, and you’re gonna get into an accident, and you’re fucking unhinged man, please seek help. However, as a proud sigma male, I have identified the sickness in this world, and sidewalk driving is the fucking cure.


Now I call upon all car drivers who are fed up with being oppressed by these stupid jaywalking motherfuckers: don’t take to the streets, take to the sidewalks!