Do you ever look at a wet, shiny, glistening rock and become overwhelmed with the urge to put it in your mouth and salivate over it? In the name of true, objective, investigative journalism, I let the primal urges take over and decided that if I was going to do this, I might as well commit to the bit and get to know Every. Single. Rock. Now, I knew that I had to make haste in order to give a fair and accurate rating, so I made it my mission to fish out all the rocks in Mendota and explore them intimately with my mouth before January. These were the results:
Spherical rocks: the unicorns of the rock world, it’s pretty damn hard to find spherical rocks but if you do, never let it go. It’s like sucking the world’s best goddamn jawbreaker (Haha! Literally!). I don’t care if God himself comes down to Earth and threatens to smite you, keep that rock safe and locked away inside of your bodily orifices. The experience of running your tongue over this rock? Unmatched.
Skipping stones: flat and oval, these puppies are perfectly mouth-shaped. Remember those rainbow swirly lollipops in cartoons? Holding one of these rocks in your mouth is basically the same experience as sucking on one of those. The perfect puzzle piece to my yapper; a match made in heaven, if you will.
Unidentified animal skeleton: The crevices are fun but I think some species of rodent is possessing me now. Only do this if you’re lonely and want a new best friend inside of you.
Sand: not very suckable, almost ended up swallowing it on multiple occasions. The gritty texture is intriguing but grains will be stuck in between your teeth for all eternity. If you’re looking for an easy way to introduce bacteria into your gut microbiome, by all means go ahead and shovel some sand into your piehole.
A sunken Hoofers canoe: I like a challenge, but this is very difficult to put in your mouth. 6/10.
Crushed beer cans: I decided to make myself sympathetic to the wildlife and stuck one of these bad boys in my mouth. While I enjoyed the metallic taste of aluminum, I came to realize that aluminum cans do not have a metallic taste and it was, in fact, blood from my mouth being cut up from the can. In my opinion, I think my new “Joker” look is pretty sick, but everyone runs away from me now. At least I won’t have to share my sucking rocks with them.