St. Patrick’s day is finally here and I am ready to let my inner Leprechaun out. I say that, of course, because I’m a lean, green, clover picking machine. That’s right, I’m a potato hater, a pint guzzler, and the world’s biggest U2 fan: a real Irelander! My blood runs green and my hair is red as can be if you count blonde as a shade. Watch out for me on the 17th, because my rich coastal heritage is going to show its crazy side. I’ll make the river dance look like the whip, nae nae, and the dab. Lit! So kiss me, haters, I’m one fifth Irish. Thanks, Dad.
A lot of people ask me why I make such a big deal out of St. Patrick’s day and my Irish background. I have one answer for you: GREEN. I make it, take it, and bake it. Brownie style. Green should be the only color allowed in any setting. Think about it. Racism would end and color blindness wouldn’t be such a big fucking deal. That’s why I wear only green for a whole month leading up to Patty’s Day. In fact, I would like every person to do that and show my people a little respect.
Before I continue, I want to throw in a little advertisement, PRO BONO. Every single person who has ever been a fetus should check out Ancestry.com. It changed my life, and, if you end up being Irish too, I’m confident it can change yours. When I found out that I was one fifth green and proud, I literally cried for a million years. For the love of Blarney, give Ancestry.com your next paycheck. Trust me, you’ll log off a different person, but only if you’re Irish.
Remember when I told you to kiss me? Yeah, I meant it. Don’t take it as a command though, because you’ll want to do it. VOLUNTARILY. Irish bloats like myself carry a special gene called… wait for it… luck. The four leafer will definitely be in your favor if you mosey on over to my side of the bog and give me a smooch. My dad even said he’ll tell you some history of the homeland if you do it. Need I say more? Actually, yeah, one more thing. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
P.S: If the kiss goes well, maybe we can turn my one fifth into our one sixth 📷