op-ed: my fucking shift key is broken


look i’m just gonna level with y’all here. i am in deep need of assistance and years of deflection via comedy have left me physically unable to ask for advice in any other form besides a shitty op-ed. last weekend i was drinking heavily which led to me attempting to make some kickass nachos and managing to spill an entire can of black beans directly onto my keyboard (I must admit that the nachos were in fact kickass). despite numerous attempts at deep cleaning, i have come to an unfortunate conclusion; my shift key is broken1 see what i mean, i can’t even manage to use a question mark or exclamation point.


for now, i’ve managed to just deal with it, since every attempt at going the the do-it help desk has just resulted in my being laughed out of the building. however, now i’ve got a massive paper to write and i can’t use direct quotes1 they just come out as some apostrophe-ass bullshit. and you have no idea how hard it is to attempt to communicate just how angry i am about this without being able to write in all caps. ‘just use caps lock,’ one may say, but a previous encounter with a similar can of black beans has left me without caps lock since 2017. according to google, at least 305 people have experienced this issue at least once. wait fuck that percent sign is just a five isn't it/ wait fuck that question mark is just a slash isn't it/ goddamnit not again.


before any of you nerds come at me and try to say that i can just copy and paste symbols in through google docs or word… wait, that actually might be a good solution to my problem. but if i actually fix the problem i have to stop complaining about this minor inconvenience and get back to focusing on the gradual downward spiral that is my life, and there’s no way i’m gonna let that happen1